A moment in black

If someone's strength and loyalty can be measured by how long he/she could stand on a job, I would be the weakest and most not loyal person in my environment.

In average, I quit approximately after 3 months after I start working in a (or some others) company. I worked a year only in about each of 5 schools. And yes, perhaps I am crazy.

I know exactly I need a job. I know exactly I need money. I know exactly no job is perfect unless I'm the boss. I know exactly that with bigger salary comes bigger responsibility. I know exactly what I'm capable of and what I'm stupid in. I know exactly what professionalism means and what childish means.

And after all, I still have difficulties in 'staying', 'having commitment', 'feeling secure' in my job. Seems like looking for a good job (for me) is as difficult as looking for a good husband to be (for me again).

What's the problem?

- Too confident that I won't die just because I don't work

- Too selfish that I just want an easy job

- Too bored that I have no partner

- Too sad that I know I'm hated by one of my crew

- Too disappointed that the boss will always look for my mistakes

- Too low salary (my standard)

- Too much rules

- Too lonely that I'm the only one who fights for my better company

- Too broken heart that I have nobody encourages & motivates me

- Too busy that I have to avoid my paper

- Too stress that I have no boyfriend

- Too naif that I wish I could earn money without working

I realize I've lost. I never really thankful of what I have. I need more than words to help me. 

I know every encouraging sentences. I know how to pray. But I'm afraid, too afraid to have another lost, too hurt to have another wounds..

I'm really tired.. and all I wish for is forever disappear..